Genesis: God's Seven Day Construction Schedule
By Richard H. Carson
In the beginning God created heaven and earth. Or at least he tried.
Day 1. And God said "Let there be light." God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. The Department of Energy officials demanded there be no thermal pollution, but authorized light since God was conserving energy by making things dark half the time.
Day 2. And God said, "Let there he a firmament in the midst of the waters and God called the firmament Heaven." The government officials quizzed him about "Heaven," but finally ignored it as being purely theoretical and having no real impact
Day 3. And God said, "Let the earth put forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and fruit tree." However, the Environmental Protection Agency required that he use only native seeds and plants.
Day 4. And God said, "Let there be lights to divide the day from the night; and let them be for seasons, and for days, and for years." He made the stars also. The government officials were alarmed by the use of seasons and a calendar, but authorized them as long as federal, state and local government employees were allowed the mandatory days off to celebrate.
Day 5. And God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly." The Environmental Protection Agency said he could only use the indigenous creatures from a list developed by the Audubon Society and the Wildlife Federation.
Day 6. And God said, "Let us make humans in our image and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing." The Bureau of Labor protested making human beings, but relented when God agreed that all government employees and elected officials would also be considered human.
Day 7. And God finished his work, and he rested on the seventh day. However, he received word that the whole project would be put on hold pending the completion of an Environmental Impact Statement - that would add 4-6 months to the project.
At this point God created Hell.
(Editor's note: I borrowed this idea from the "Northern News," the newsletter for the Northern California APA Chapter. However, I have altered it substantially).